In Scenes Three and Four the actors and actresses of my invented characters occupy the stage.
Shootout at Garsen's Saloon -- Part One
Scenes Three and Four
Cast of Characters
Joe
Garrett, leader of the homesteaders
Marian
Garrett, Joe’s wife
Grandma
Garrett, Joe’s mother
Johnny
Garrett, dim-witted 16 year old son
Bonnie
Garrett, 12 year old daughter
Opal Stone,
16 year old daughter
Rocky
Stone, 14 year old son
Svede
Svenson, Swedish homesteader
Alley Erp,
Ebenezer’s wife
Hannah Erp,
bad-breathed 16 year old daughter
Rachael
Wretcher, flirtatious 16 year old daughter
Kurt
Jergens, Big Bill’s German, bully-boy foreman
Tina
Tintinnabulation, saloon girl
Digger
Phelps, undertaker and barber
Widow
Winslow, man-hunting, 35 year old widow
Shane,
gunfighter trying to escape his past
Time: 1880s
Place: Shoshone
Hole, Wyoming
Scene Three
(The Widow Winslow
appears in front of Garsen’s Mercantile and Saloon. Seeing someone approach, she stops suddenly,
looks concerned a moment, touches her hair as if to make its appearance better,
and then become quite poised. Digger
Phelps appears left)
Widow (stepping in front of Digger): Why, Mr.
Phelps. (warmly) You are the picture
of health this afternoon, I do declare.
Do I detect a radiant glow in those cheeks of yours? I hope the cause is those two dances we
shared last night at the barn raising festivities.
Digger: To tell
you the truth, Widow, my spirits are high as a hawk. Can’t hide it, I guess. I put Old Lady Lancaster under on Boot Hill
this morning.
Widow (flirtatiously): Mr. Phelps. As I told you last night, after our first
dance, my name is “Cynthia,” not “Widow.”
Digger: The old
bitty bit down hard on a chicken bone.
Got stuck in her craw. If I’m
gonna call you that, guess you’d better call me “Digger.”
Widow (smiling romantically): “Digger”! Such a manly name!
Digger: Now if
you’ll excuse me, ma’am, I’ll …
Widow: “Cynthia”!
Digger: I’ll just
mosey in to the bar and put more glow in these here cheeks, with some
Red-Eye! (He tips his hat and exits right)
Widow (watching him leave): Such a fine figure
of a man!
(Mrs. Alley Erp enters
left)
Mrs. Erp (seeing the widow, whose back is turned to
her): Mrs. Winslow.
Widow (turning about): Mrs. Erp. How nice to see you again.
Mrs. Erp: I
wanted to thank you for your floral arrangement at last Sunday’s service. Some of it, however, contained rag-weed. My husband had a sneezing attack in the
middle of his sermon.
Widow: Oh dear! (pause) Next time Digger Phelps gives me flowers
after one of his funerals, I will be more careful.
Mrs. Erp: Don’t
reproach yourself, my dear. Ebenezer is
a stuffed shirt who needs to look foolish now and then. (pause) I couldn’t help seeing you speaking with
Mr. Phelps just now. I hope you and he
will be participants in a marriage ceremony.
Widow: Oh my
stars, yes!
Mrs. Erp: He
needs the influence of a good woman!
Widow: And I need
a man! Uh, … a good man, I mean.
Mrs. Erp: Yes, …
a good man is hard to find.
(Garsen appears left
and approaches)
Garsen (in passing): Good afternoon, ladies.
Mrs. Erp: Mr.
Garsen.
Widow (warmly): Hello, George. You’re looking well today.
(Garsen stops, turns
about)
Garsen (congenially): Widow Winslow.
Widow: You are
such a good dancer, George. I did enjoy
our two dances last night!
Garsen: My
pleasure, Widow.
Widow:
“Cynthia.” As I told you last night.
Garsen: Yes. Good day.
(He bows politely and exits right)
Mrs. Erp (after a pause, an eyebrow raised):
Perhaps it should be you and Mr. Garsen at that ceremony!
Widow (after a pause, with anguish): Oh, Mrs.
Erp! Is it sinful to like men so?!
Mrs. Erp (taken aback): My dear woman, you are
speaking to a minister’s wife!
Widow: Yes, of
course. Forgive me.
Mrs. Erp: Ebenezer
has never done anything sinful in his life! (pause) He’s incredibly boring!
(Grandma Garrett
enters left with Bonnie. She sees Widow
Winslow and makes a face. The widow
stiffens)
Grandma (passing): Well!
Widow: Humph! (Grandma
and Bonnie exit right. To Mrs. Erp) Some
people have no concept of age!
Mrs. Erp: Forgive
me, Mrs. Winslow, but I must prepare for my Young People’s Gathering.
Widow: And I must
finish that frock I’m mending.
(They smile at each
other. Mrs. Erp exits right)
Widow (exiting left): So that old crow,
Grandma Garrett, thinks she can steal Digger and George away from me, does
she? Humph! (She
exits left)
Scene Four
(In a private room off
Garsen’s store and saloon. The Reverend
Ebenezer Erp and his daughter Hannah enter left)
Hannah: Oh,
Father. I’m so troubled. May I speak to you privately before Mother
begins the Young People’s Gathering?
Erp: Of course,
my dear. I am open to all who bear the
troubles of life. It is my duty to
listen. Speak. But at a distance.
Hannah: Father, I
think it is time I should marry!
Erp (abruptly): I don’t want to hear about
it!
Hannah: But,
Father. I am a year older than Mother
was when you married her.
Erp: Age had
nothing to do with our marriage!
Hannah (stepping up close to him): You didn’t have
to get married, did you?
Erp: Certainly
not! (moves
behind a table) If we must talk,
let’s … keep this table between us.
Hannah: Well,
then why can’t I get married?!
Erp: For one very
good reason. I knew the kind of
man your mother was marrying! Me! Totally upstanding, honorable, a credit to
humanity! The only thing I know about
the man you will marry is that he will have no sense of smell
whatsoever!
Hannah (after a perplexed expression): Are you
criticizing my cooking again? Father,
I’m getting better! Really!
Erp: Let me just
say, I do not know your intended spouse; and until I do, I forbid your
marriage.
Hannah: Father,
you know him well! For the past year he
has listened to your sermons with his family every Sunday!
Erp (nodding approval): Hmmm, that is
in his favor.
Hannah: Yes.
Erp: Who is
this attentive boy?
Hannah (bashfully): Oh, he’s so handsome. (enthusiastically) Johnny Garrett! (factually) He’s very shy.
Erp: That is also
in his favor.
Hannah: I just
know he would propose if he weren’t so shy.
Every time I get close to speak to him, he just … shies away!
(Mrs. Erp enters left)
Rev: Ah, your
intrepid mother. Alley, my dear.
Mrs. Erp: Ebenezer! My Young People’s Gatherings are such a
success! Mrs. Jensen’s two daughters
will be joining us today!
Erp: Jacquelin
and Janice. I have trouble keeping the two
of them straight.
Mrs. Erp: Well,
one of them is nice … and the other one isn’t.
Erp: I am certain
your saintly presence will perform miracles.
You have already transformed that jezebel Rachel Wretcher into a
virtuous, refined young lady.
Mrs. Erp: “The
music that can deepest reach
And cure all ill is cordial speech”!
… Emerson. Come,
Hannah. You will help me prepare
refreshments. Our guests will be
arriving shortly. (They exit left)
Erp:
Emerson. I will work several of his
quotations into my next sermon. (He exits right)
(Five seconds later
Johnny Garrett enters left)
Johnny: Gee. I’m early.
Nobody’s here.
(Rachel Wretcher
enters left, sneaks up behind Johnny, and puts her hands over his eyes)
Rachel: Guess
who?
Johnny: Well, I know
you aren’t Hannah Erp.
Rachel: My
breath is much sweeter! (She exhales on him) See?
Johnny: It is!
Rachel (romantically): So are my lips! (pause) Guess who I am and I’ll … demonstrate.
Johnny (after a pause): Oh gee. This is an important decision.
Rachel: Um hmm.
Johnny: And I’m
so bad at making guesses.
Rachel: Then I’ll
give you a hint. (Johnny nods his head in agreement)
My father is very well known in this valley!
Johnny: Oh, I
think I know who you are!
Rachel: Boys
have always liked me!
Johnny: I do,
too!
Rachel: And about
boys I’m really fussy!
Johnny (sadly): I know.
Rachel: One of my
best features is my lovely hair!
Johnny (enraptured): Like hay dryin’ after a
summer rain!
Rachel (perplexed): What?!
Johnny: Don’t say
another word! It’s you! I know it!
Rachel (softly): Then say my name and … receive
your reward.
Johnny: Opal Stone! (He
spins around. His face freezes in
surprise) Rachel Wretcher!
Rachel (angrily): Opal Stone, am I?!
Johnny: Well,
your clues, they seemed to say …
Rachel: My daddy rules
this valley! How could you miss that
clue?!
Johnny: Well,
Opal’s father is well known, too.
Rachel:
How?! He’s a no good homesteader!
Johnny: Anyone
with the name Patrick Henry Robert E. Lee Beauregard Jackson “Cannonball” Stone
has got to be well known.
Rachel: All
right. Maybe so. But what about boys always liking me?! I have to drive them off with a stick!
Johnny: They’ve
always liked Opal, too!
Rachel (with irritation): So what are you
saying?! You like that … little
straw-headed broom stick more than …. (warmly) … passionate, dark and desirous
me?
Johnny: Well, …
don’t take offense … but …. yes!
Rachel (whirling about, her back to him):
Impossible! I don’t believe it!
Johnny: I’m sorry
but it’s true.
Rachel (whirling back to face him): I’m warning
you, Johnny Garrett! My daddy has
spoiled me rotten! Whatever I want, I
get!
Johnny: Oh,
that’s terrible.
Rachel: And right
now I want you! (pause) Come here!
Johnny (back against the wall): Oh no, you’re
wrong! My face! Look at my face!
Rachel (putting her hands on his shoulders):
What about your face?
Johnny: It looks
like a ferret!
Rachel: I like
ferrets. They’re cuddly.
(Mrs. Erp and Hannah
Erp enter left)
Mrs. Erp (entering): Hannah, I am going to read
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s stirring poem, “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere”!
Hannah: Wonderful,
Mother! It’s so exciting! (sees
Johnny) Mr. Garrett!
Mrs. Erp: And
Miss Wretcher! I am so pleased that you
have attended my weekly gatherings this past month.
Rachel: I’ve had
… (glances at Johnny) … strong
reasons to, ma’am.
(Mrs. Erp, misinterpreting,
smiles)
Hannah (going over to Johnny): Mother is going
to read Longfellow! (She takes his arm) Would
you sit beside me? I want to study your
reactions! (She smiles. He makes a face,
reacting to her bad breath) Is something wrong? Oh, I bet you don’t like Longfellow! (She
seats him in one of the two wooden chairs, moves the other one next to the
first chair, and sits in it)
Mrs. Erp: Miss
Wretcher. You may occupy the couch. Others, I am certain, will arrive shortly.
(Opal Stone enters left)
Mrs. Erp: Ah,
Miss Stone. (pause) I do not see your
learned brother with you. Will he not be
attending?
Opal: Rocky
should have been here ten minutes ago. (looks about the room) That’s strange. But, then, he is strange!
Hannah: Mother,
you said the Jensen girls would attend.
They aren’t here either.
Mrs. Erp: So I
see. Perhaps they were detained. Hannah, would you please look down the street
to see if they approach?
Hannah:
Certainly. (She gets up and exits left)
(Mrs. Erp busies
herself with her book of poetry. Opal
sits down on the couch next to Rachel, who makes a face. Johnny looks back at Opal. Rachel gets up and sits in the chair next to
Johnny. Johnny gets up and sits on the
couch next to Opal)
Johnny: Hello,
Opal. Gee, you look pretty.
Opal (distantly): Thank you. I have good reason to be.
Johnny:
Really?! Does it … have anything to do
with … this gathering?
Opal: Everything.
Johnny: And a boy
you like?
Opal: A man.
Johnny: Well, ….
thank you.
Opal: Why?
Johnny: Well, I’m
only sixteen.
Opal: What are
you talking about?
Johnny: I always
thought you never noticed me.
Opal: I’ve
noticed you.
Johnny: You
have?!
Opal: Who could
miss that ferret face of yours?
Johnny: Oh, you
like it, too!
Opal: No. I don’t.
Excuse me. I’ve got to get out of
here. (She gets up and walks over to Mrs. Erp, who looks up as she
approaches) Mrs. Erp, I’ll go look
for my brother.
Mrs. Erp:
Certainly, dear.
(Rachel gets up and
sits on the couch beside Johnny)
Rachel: I could
have told you before … that Opal Stone is after my daddy’s foreman, Kurt
Jergens, and comes in here only as an excuse to sneak out and see him in the
bar.
Johnny: I don’t
believe it!
Rachel: Oh
no? Then why is it she always leaves in
the middle of the readings?
Johnny: I thought
the poetry made her weak-kneed and fainty.
(Hannah Erp enters
left)
Hannah: Mother,
they are not in sight.
Mrs. Erp: I don’t
understand this. Maybe we should disband
today’s gathering?
Hannah: Oh no,
Mother. Do begin. (She
sits next to Johnny and smiles at him. Johnny
and I would like to listen. (Johnny reacts to her bad breath)
Johnny (getting up): Excuse me please! I … feel faint.
Rachel (getting up): Mee, too! I’m getting weak-kneed and fainty.
Mrs. Erp: I think
I will cancel today’s gathering. (smiling)
We shall meet again next week.
(Johnny and Rachel,
smiling politely, exit left)
Hannah (smiling): He wasn’t really going to
faint, was he, Mother?
Mrs. Erp: No,
dear.
Hannah: He’s just
too shy to sit with me. Isn’t he sweet?
Mrs. Erp: Shy
nothing! It’s your leaf-curling bad
breath!
Hannah (after an anguished pause, walking over to
her mother): Bad breath?! Mother,
what can I do?!
Mrs. Erp: Stand
away from me!
Hannah: No,
no! What should I do?
Mrs. Erp: Have
Digger Phelps yank out that bad tooth!
Hannah: My
tooth? It’s my tooth?
Mrs. Erp: You
wouldn’t have it out before!
Hannah: I didn’t
want that undertaker touching my teeth!
But now …
Mrs. Erp: Then
you had better hurry. Miss Wretcher’s
emotional state, it seems, has nothing to do with Ralph Waldo Emerson!
Hannah: You mean,
she … Johnny? Let’s go! (They
exit left)
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